Sunday, February 12, 2017

The books Abraham Lincoln Read

The books Abraham Lincoln Read

One of my favorite books is a collection Abraham Lincoln's journal entries, letters, and speeches. The sentences he puts together are unique, humorous and inspirational; his thoughts are distinguished with candor and insight to the soul of a human being.

Although I know my writing will never parallel his prose, I wanted to try and learn to write like he did. Specifically, I wanted to study how he chooses his words, developed his sentences/analogies (e.g., “Fat as Falstaff” - an apparent link to Shakespeare), and so on. Since I know that the way you write is influenced by what you read, I started researching books Abraham Lincoln read. Here is the list I collected.

Books Lincoln read while growing up:

  • Aesop’s Fables
  • Arabian Nights
  • The Life of Benjamin Franklin
  • Pilgrim’s Progress
  • Robinson Crusoe
  • The Life of Francis Marion
  • The Life of George Washington
  • The Bible
  • Lessons in Elocution
  • Kirkland's Grammar

School books Lincoln studied from included:

  • Dilworth’s Spelling Book
  • The Kentucky Preceptor
  • The Columbian Class Book

Books he read as an adult:

  • The Bible
  • Shakespeare
  • George Byron
  • Robert Burns
  • Euclid
  • Edgar Allan Poe
  • John Milton
  • Daniel Defoe
  • Thomas Paine
Of course, I know he most likely read more than this and didn't read every book by these authors, so I tried to find out particular works he read. I was able to find direct quotes about what he read or studied.


Lincoln especially enjoyed Shakespeare. James Hackett received a letter from Lincoln that stated:
 “For one of my age I have seen very little of the drama…Some of Shakespeares plays I have never read; while others I have gone over perhaps as frequently as any unprofessional reader…I think nothing equals “Macbeth.” It is wonderful. Unlike you gentlemen of the profession, I think the soliloquy in “Hamlet” surpasses that commencing “To be or not to be.”
While Lincoln read Shakespeare before becoming President, but he had never seen Shakespeare performed on the stage before becoming President. After that, he rarely missed a chance. In February and March 1864, at one of the most dangerous periods of the Civil War, he took time off from his
duties to see the great tragedian Edwin Booth (John Wilkes Booth’s brother) perform in Richard III, The Merchant of Venice, and Hamlet. Lincoln enjoyed them all. Shakespeare’s sense of humor delighted him, and he was enchanted by the magic of the language.

Shakespeare’s great tragedies were his favorites. Lincoln was often depressed, and he found it easy to relate to Shakespeare’s heroes; he could sympathize with their fears and anxieties. Francis B. Carpenter, an artist who lived half a year in the White House, reported that Lincoln said of Shakespeare:
“It matters not to me whether Shakespeare be well or ill acted; with him the thought suffices.” 
Henry Wilson, a senator from Massachusetts, said that in 1860 Lincoln visited the office of Wilson’s literary journal, “The Chicago Record,” and noted with pleasure the busts of Shakespeare and Burns. Lincoln said,
“They are my two favorite authors, and I must manage to see their birthplaces someday if I can contrive to cross the Atlantic.” 
Joseph G. Cannon, an Illinois political leader who served 46 years in Congress, reported that after Lincoln’s son, Willie, died the President read from Shakespeare, finishing with the passage in King John where Constance cries from the loss of her son. Then Lincoln said,
“Did you ever dream of some lost friend and feel that you were having a sweet communion with him, and yet have a consciousness that it was not a reality?….That is the way I dream of my lost boy Willie.”

George Byron

There are a few contemporaries that noted works of George Byron Lincoln Read. James Matheny, Lincoln’s best man at his wedding, said Lincoln especially liked Byron’s work titled “The Darkness.” Ward Hill Lamon, Lincoln's bodyguard, said Lincoln loved Byron’s work entitled “The Dream.” In an interview with William Herndon, Joshua Speed (Lincoln’s closest friend) said that Lincoln especially liked “Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage.”

Other Byron works Lincoln admired included “Lara,” “Don Juan,” “The Bride of Abydos,” and “Mazeppa," according to an Abraham Lincoln scholar that I wrote to 20 or so years ago.

I took an educated guess on what shaped his writing the most. I think it is the Bible, since he is quotes saying he read it as a child and as an adult, which means he read it multiple times. It is also known that Lincoln could quote from many parts of the Bible, with his absolute favorite book was Psalms. Rebecca Pomroy, a Civil War nurse, reported that Lincoln told her, “Yes, they (Psalms) are the best, for I find in them something for every day of the week.”

Although I'm not religious, I've been reading the Bible out loud recently. My wife thinks I'm crazy when I tell her it is part of my plan to become Abraham Lincoln.

(If you are interested in viewing what these book editions, I posted pictures of my Abraham Lincoln books here.)


Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Sam Harris and Jordan Peterson Podcast Glossary

Sam Harris and Jordan Peterson Podcast Glossary

Glossary of terms used in the podcast of Sam Harris and Jordan Peterson. 

The terms are ordered by the time they occurred, earliest to latest. They helped me follow the discussion since I didn't have to look up every other word.
  1. Bill C-16 - An Act to amend the Canadian Human Rights Act and the Criminal Code
  2. Gender Identity - a person's perception of having a particular gender, which may or may not correspond with their birth sex
  3. Gender Expression - the way in which a person expresses their gender identity, typically through their appearance, dress, and behavior
  4. Preferred pronouns - A gender neutral or gender inclusive pronoun is a pronoun which does not associate a gender with the individual who is being discussed.
  5. Gender as a social construct - According to this view, society and culture create gender roles, and these roles are prescribed as ideal or appropriate behavior for a person of that specific gender
  6. Non-binary - not male or female
  7. Neo-marxist - forms of political philosophy that arise from the adaptation of Marxist thought to accommodate or confront modern issues such as the global economy, the capitalist welfare state, and the stability of liberal democracies
  8. Unconscious bias - bias that we are unaware of and bias that happens outside of our control
  9. Post-modernist - departure from modernism and has at its heart a general distrust of grand theories and ideologies as well as a problematical relationship with any notion of “art.”
    1. Modernism - a style or movement in the arts that aims to break with classical and traditional forms
  10. E.O Wilson - "father of social biology" - attacked for his beliefs after he published a book on the topic. See link.
  11. Pernicious - having a harmful effect, especially in a gradual or subtle way
  12. Nihilism - the rejection of all religious and moral principles
  13. Materialistic rationalism -Materialism is that matter is the primary reality and rationalism is the rational mind (or thinking) over your senses/feelings. 
  14. Spirtual - transforming yourself (?) I linked to Sam's blog but still couldn't figure it out.
  15. Darwinian - relating to Darwinism
    1. Darwinism is a theory of biological evolution developed by Charles Darwin
  16. Humes - David Hume. Best known today for his highly influential system of radical philosophical empiricism, skepticism, and naturalism
  17. 'And is and an ought' - Hume found that there seems to be a significant difference between positive statements (about what is) and prescriptive or normative statements (about what ought to be), and that it is not obvious how one can coherently move from descriptive statements to prescriptive ones
  18. Newtonian - formulated or behaving according to the principles of classical physics
  19. Pragmatist - dealing with things sensibly and realistically in a way that is based on practical rather than theoretical considerations. (They differed on this definition.)
  20. Proposition - A statement of assertion
  21. Realism - the attitude or practice of accepting a situation as it is and being prepared to deal with it accordingly.
  22. Moral Realism - meta-ethical view that there exist such things as moral facts and moral values, and that these are objective and independent of our perception of them or our beliefs, feelings or other attitudes towards them
  23. Consciousness - the state of being awake and aware of one's surroundings
    1. the awareness or perception of something by a person
    2. the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world
  24. Metaphysics - philosophy that deals with the first principles of things, including abstract concepts such as being, knowing, substance, cause, identity, time, and space.
    1. Abstract theory or talk that has no basis in reality
  25. Truth - (The link goes to Stanford which I think captures parts of both their arguments on Truth) 
  26. Epistemology - the theory of knowledge
  27. Nietzsche on truth -  suggested that an ancient, metaphysical belief in the divinity of Truth lies at the heart of and has served as the foundation for the entire subsequent Western intellectual tradition: "But you will have gathered what I am getting at, namely, that it is still a metaphysical faith on which our faith in science rests--that even we knowers of today, we godless anti-metaphysicians still take our fire too, from the flame lit by the thousand-year-old faith, the Christian faith which was also Plato's faith, that God is Truth; that Truth is 'Divine'
  28. Ontology - the branch of metaphysics dealing with the nature of being
    1. a set of concepts and categories in a subject area or domain that shows their properties and the relations between them
  29. Genomes - chromosomes in a microorganism
  30. Genetics - the study of heredity and the variation of inherited characteristics
  31. Axiomatic - self-evident
  32. Presuppositions - a thing tacitly assumed beforehand at the beginning of a line of argument or course of action
  33. Truth-valuethe attribute assigned to a proposition in respect of its truth or falsehood, which in classical logic has only two possible values (true or false).
  34. Josh Green - psychologist majority of his research and writing has been concerned with moral judgment and decision-making
  35. Darwinian conception of truth - (see link which summarizes, or at least quotes, some of the points JP and SH are talking about)
  36. Richard Roty - (appeared earlier but couldn't find the name) - American philosopher.
  37. Terrestrial reality - relating to reality of earth
  38. Provisional factual of truth -  did he mean to say provisional anatomy of truth? see link
Summary: JP states scientific truth is enclosed/proved by moral truth; SH states the opposite since it doesn't allow you to establish a correct truth-value, because it could change if morals change.

I would try to score the match, but after listening to this podcast, I have to remind myself that I'm really fucking stupid. Looking forward to round 2.

Some Quotes:

  • If you keep extending rights all you do is weaken them. -JP
  • One person's rights is another person's responsibilities. -JP
  • ideologically selected lexicon - JP
  • I made it concrete and put forth my objections in an articulate manner and it struck a chord with people. -JP
  • Well, ok, that's not draconian at all. - JP
  • I can't ask you to do an infinite number of things.... Asking people to learn a new list of gender pronouns and then to live in a state of vigilance to see if they apply them correctly is a positive injunction. -SH
    • Positive injunction: Affirmative injunction refers to an injunction that requires a positive act on the part of the defendant
  • Truth is a bedrock perception - SH
  • ...This goes beyond the gender pronouns.... - SH
  • It is possible to survive without truth.... - SH


Sunday, January 22, 2017

I wish I didn't have balls.

I wish I didn't have balls.

I wasn't able to attend the Women's March yesterday. Although it was Saturday, I had to work.

With today's technology, however, I was able to vicariously experience the event through the many feeds and hashtags that captured the essence of the movement. I saw hundreds of pictures with witty signs that explained what is wrong with America:

Cisgendered, white males are running a patriarchy and thus are ruining the country.

After work had ended, I thought about what I could do to help with this cause. Being a minority race wasn't going to be enough for me; I would do whatever is necessary to bring down the patriarchy.

My research started on the internet, and it was easy to find feminist sites to educate myself. My life was wrong is many ways: my doctor's 'scientific facts' about gender are wrong since gender is socially constructed. My male life has given me privilege, so I should be happy that I have to work on weekends to pay the bills for there are many women that can't work at all on weekends. I was absolutely astounded though to find out I was raping my wife because she likes to have a few glasses of wine before we make love, and thus she did NOT give me consent.

I needed to make a statement and signal to everyone that I mean business, so I concluded what I needed to do:

I would have to get rid of my testicles. 

The thought of cutting off my balls was abhorrent at first. But after doing more research on youtube, I deduced that the extra benefits to bringing down the patriarchy would far outweigh the loss:
  1. I could improve my voice.
    1. There used to be this practice by the castrati of cutting off pre-pubescent boys balls off so they could sing at a higher pitch. If I cut off my balls, I may have a chance of making it on America's Got Talent.
  2. My hair loss would stop
    1. Psychiatric units, at one time, removed insane people's testicles and they noticed the "patients" had their hair return.  It turns out DHT, which kills hair follicles, is carried through testosterone.  I could finally end my addiction to Rogaine which would help bring down another capitalist entity.
  3. I would have one less weakness
    1. Everyone is taught to kick a man in the balls to incapacitate him.  Now if I had no balls, I could smugly reply: "that didn't hurt, for I have no balls."  
  4. I would be known for the person that expanded the current LGBTQQIP2SAA to include 'C' for Castrated.
    1. As a self-castrated man, I would find myself in the minority and thus would demand that everyone go out of their way to attend to my feelings. I would start demanding that everyone respect me by adding 'C' to the current acronym.  I might even be able to get 'SCFM', self-castrated former man, if I am lucky. 
  5. I could make a profit
    1. After I'm declared a minority with no rights, I could easily profit. Since 'SCFM' is long enough to become a Twitter handle, Facebook page, and hashtag, I could use the channels to write long depressing posts about how evil the United States treats people like me.


Thursday, January 19, 2017

My visit to the Trump Tower

My visit to the Trump Tower

My dad would take me on trips to New York City in the early 1990's. I didn't like the trip as there wasn't much for me to do as an 11-year-old. Like most boys, I liked spending my time running around with friends and playing war with sticks that we pretended were guns. My dad, on the other hand, loved the trips. He would drink beer and sleep on the train, haggle street vendors over the price of a hot dog, and point out the buildings at NYU where he studied for his Ph.D. in economics.

One time I was grumpy on the train ride, so my dad tried to make the trip more enjoyable by asking me if I wanted to see some "real guns that are very, very big and powerful." Of course I said yes; I would be able to see authentic guns and tell everyone how much better they are than sticks.

I assumed that we would go to a gun store in NYC; instead, my dad brought me into a clothing store in the Trump Tower. My expectations to see guns dropped when we walked by many shelves and saw only stacks of gaudy preppy clothes.

I told my dad I didn't think there were any guns here, but he said there must be. "Alex, the people here are rich, and they buy clothes and guns here and then go on a safari to hunt big game." I had no idea what 'big game' meant, but we kept looking in the store.

Finally, a black man in a suit approached us and asked if he could help find anything.

"Where do you keep the guns?" my dad asked.

"What guns?" the salesman replied.

"The guns you sell to your clients to shoot the elephants."

The guy laughed since he thought it was a joke. When I think now about this memory, I wonder if my dad, who is a huge fan of socialism, was trolling someone he thought was the bourgeoisie.

With all the stories you hear today, you would think that an Indian man with his son, both wearing faded clothes from Goodwill, would have been thrown out of the Trump Tower instead of being served by a black man.  Maybe that's why we miss the 90's.


Tuesday, January 17, 2017

No one knows anything

No one knows anything

I ran a quick experiment to see if anyone knows anything about current events. Not issues like Syria but just day-to-day type situations.  The result: most people are clueless. Here is the experiment I ran:

By now you must have heard that President-elect Donald Trump attacked Representative John Lewis. The word attacked is used over and over in the news.

After I heard of the attack, I immediately researched it by 1) going on Twitter and 2) going on youtube. Once I read Trump's tweet and listen to John Lewis, I summarized the event:

  • John Lewis told NBC that he does not think Trump is a legitimate president. 
  • Donald Trump said John Lewis should be worried more about the area's he represents. (Tweet 1, Tweet 2)

These statements are more like insults you throw at someone before the teacher starts the class, where thereafter you forgot about it and move on.

But this was reported as an attack, so I wanted to find out what people think about the event.

My simple hypothesis is that the majority of people do not know what was said in the above-mentioned incident. To test it at my work, my gym, a bookstore, in Uber/Lyft rides I asked the question: What happened between Trump and Lewis?

With a sample size of 30 people that knew what I was referring to:*
  • 11 people could accurately recite the words in the exchange. (Note: most people then gave their interpretation, saying they hated Trump or liked Trump)
  • 1 person thought Donald Trump physically attacked someone
  • 5 people said Trump is just not being politically correct. 
  • 4 people thought Donald Trump said something "racist."
  • 9 people said Donald Trump said something that I grouped as "terrible."

Again, all I wanted to find out is if people knew what was said in the exchange, but only a third did.  We all need to start reading this more instead of just summarizing what we hear on the news.

*I ignored people that didn't know of the quarrel, so this isn't an empirical study.


Sunday, January 15, 2017

How to make a better online dating profile

How to make a better online dating profile

Since I met my wife online, and people see us as an 'ideal' couple, I'm often asked by my single friends on tips to survive to the online dating world. I try to point people to Tinder, but that isn't that popular in my age range (mid 30's), and most of my friends are using the tried and true sites like Match, eHarmony, and OkCupid.

The first question I ask my friends is: "What is your headline and the first sentence in your description?" The response is always the same, with the headline just being a brief description of themselves, such as "33 Year Old History Teacher"; the description always starts with something they love, like their friends, family or the New England Patriots.

At that point, I know enough information to get started. On a dating site with thousands of profiles, you are not going to be found being ordinary. To get clicked on, you need to

1. Surprise your reader
2. Sell your soul

How to surprise your reader
Becoming unique is quite simple: all you have to do is the opposite of what similar people in your range are saying. Finding out this information is straightforward. Go to the search function and search for yourself. If you are a 33-year-old male, making 75-100K, living in Roxbury, raised as a Protestant with a Democrat/liberal affiliation then search on:

  • Gender: Male
  • Salary: 75-100k
  • Location: Roxbury
  • Religion: Protestant
  • Political Affiliation: Democrat

The search results are your competition. I just did this and guess what I found?  The same boring info I described above.  To make yourself stand out write anything different that will catch the person's eye when they scan the headlines: "Starting out like Malcolm X"* or "I have a better plan than the Russian's to expose Trump"**.

The same applies to your description. Don't drone on with a bunch of cliches on how much you love your family and friends, Write something that will surprise them. When I wrote mine, I literally wrote the opposite of abovementioned cliches:  "I despise laughing; I abhor my one friend. " The line sounds evil, but people wanted to know how it will resolve later on!

How to sell your soul
Think of yourself like an onion; you have multiple layers and often only show the outer layer. The outer layer is nothing new, it just how you present yourself. The next layer is your actions: what you do like your job, and on the weekends. The next layer is what is important. It is your core beliefs that don't always show to new people. I know people are hesitant about showing this, but fuck it; you are trying to meet someone to marry!

To find out what the person should really talk about I ask (or know) this question: "What was the topic of conversation the last time you spoke to your best friend". In my friends case he was thinking about quitting his corporate job to be come a sommelier. Thus his profile became a funny story on how he was trying to get a job as an alchoholic.

I've presented the tips about surprise your reader and selling your soul online to about 14 people in the last 7 years. My track record is 5 people what went on to marry the person they might online!

*Roxbury, MA is where the Malcolm Little (AKA Malcolm X) lived as a young boy; he turned his life around after being arrested in Cambridge, MA
**Since most Democrats hate Trump, a line like this will work.


Sunday, January 1, 2017

Writing a speech outline

Writing a speech outline

I’m sure you have had to give a speech before, so does this scenario sound familiar?  Someone assigns you a speech topic that you have to present.  You then take that assignment, sit down at your computer, open up Word, and start writing. First the introduction;  then the body and finally the conclusion.  It may just be bullet points, but that's your outline that will start your speech.

 We often use this approach because it is similar to the way we learned to write in English composition classes in high school and college.  Since we often write our speeches down, we naturally follow this approach.   However, It leads to many problems during the delivery.  The speech is too long. The objective isn't clear.  The conclusion doesn't even match the introduction.

Writing a speech outline is different than writing a publication outline, but we are not trained how to draft a speech. This post presents an effective way to outline your speech with a framework called the five core elements of a speech outline by Michele Caldwell, Public Speaking Instructor and Professor at UNC.  This framework uses five steps: a goal, a power statement, main points, introduction and conclusion to outline your speech.

The first step is when you have a topic and a blank piece of paper. You need to write down the speech goal. (Spoiler alert: this is only going to be one sentence.)  Writing down your speech goal is the most important step for keeping yourself organized.  But it is often skipped because we think we know what to write.

An example: Let's say you are a medical student, and your professor asks to speak on the Zika virus to incoming students.  You’ve worked with some bio-tech firms, so you have an overall idea what the latest technology against Zika.  You don't worry about drafting a goal; you assume you know it.  In your head, you think you overall goal would be: "I'm going to speak to my audience about the Zika virus." But this isn’t effective.  A speech will always have a duration.  How exactly do you know when you reached your goal of informing the audience?  Zika and any virus are very complex and unless you're giving a speech that has a length of 3 years there probably isn't enough time.

 However, with a one sentence goal, you can limit and organize what you need to say.  A better speech goal on Zika could be:  "I want my audience to know two reasons why they should not worry about the Zika virus.  What this one sentence does is takes the topic and draws a border around it.  That way for the rest of my speech I know when I reached my goal, for you what is in scope for your speech and what is out of scope.

There are four rules to writing a compelling goal and a goal is not just a summary of your speech:
  • It should have one idea-- you can't speak forever
  • It should be specific -- for guiding length and helping you know when you are done.
  • It should use purposeful language--  you need to know if you are trying to inform, persuade or entertain
  • It should only be one sentence.  
Your speech goal is never stated in your speech; it's just for when you have a blank piece of paper to get started.

The next step in this framework is to write the power statement.  It's the most important sentence since it does go in your speech and it previews what you're are going to say.     It stems directly from your goal but it is going to elaborate on specific items you are going to talk about. Using my Zika example. My power statement could be. The two reasons you should not fear Zika is that there are no cases of it in Connecticut and your body fights off the disease in 4 months.

Now with your power statement defined you need to now support it with details.  Thus at this time we start writing the main points, the third element, for our speech.   The main points will be the body and thus the largest part.  There aren't muh guidelines for writing main points.  They can be stories, examples, abstracts from google scholar -- pretty much anything as long as it supports the power statement.  There are no rules for writing your main points, but If you did give your statement in a specific order then the main points. Should follow that order.

After writing out main points we are ready to finally start the introduction.   Why does the introduction get written as the 4th step in this framework?   Well, we are at the point that we know what the speech is going to be about since we’ve written the goal and worked through the main points.  The reasoning for putting the intro as the 4th step is that it is easier to find an intro to something that you know you are going to speak about next.

From an outline perspective, you can put your power statement as the last sentence of your introduction

The last step for this framework is to write the conclusion.   There is a writing guideline that applies directly to speech conclusions. And that is don't introduce new info in the conclusion.  The speech conclusion for this outline will just reiterate what you said in the power statement and give final closure to all the points discussed.   What's great about using this 5 step outline approach is the order: Unlike the normal intro body conclusion outline you just wrote your introduction, so you know exactly what needs to tied together in the conclusion.

The five elements for a speech outline is a better way to outline speeches.

So, I’m sure you are going to give a speech in the future.  When it happens, don’t open up Word and start writing the introduction: instead, use the 5 points and write the goal, then the power statement, the main points, the intro and finally the conclusion.

**This post was at one point a speech, so I did not edit the grammar since the ear cleans up most grammar mistakes. I will post further on why you don't have to write down your speech word for word.

***Here is a handout I created. You can use this to supplement the post

The five core elements are a framework used for outlining a speech.  You need to follow the outline in order.

1. Goal
  • Write one sentence to organize a clear and meaningful message for your speech.
  • It can only be one complete sentence.
  • It should be specific.
  • It should have only one idea.
  • It should contain purposeful language (Inform, persuade, entertain).
“I want my audience to know the three reasons they should vote for me for chief resident.”
“I want my audience to know the four reasons Mary and Bob are the perfect couple.”

2. Power Statement
  • A direct result of your speech goal and previews to your audience what you are going to say.
“The four reasons you should vote for me as the chief resident are because I am dependable, experienced, and trustworthy.”

3. Main Points
  • The main points are anything that support your power statement.
  • Main points can be anything: examples, stories, facts.
  • They should follow the order you gave in your power statement.
4. Introduction
  • The introduction is written after the main points to ensure your intro matches the body of your speech.
  • You can use a story or fact that didn’t go into your main points as an introduction.
  • You can take your entire power statement and append it as the last sentence of your introduction.
5. Conclusion
  • Reiterate your power statement.
  • Don’t include new information that was not in your main points.


Friday, December 30, 2016

Facing Reality

Facing Reality

I was too scared to leave my house after the 11/8/2016 election.

CNN and the Huffington Post assured me that there was a less than a 1% chance of Donald Trump winning the election, so I was not prepared for the election results. I cursed myself for not building a bomb shelter. Normally I am ready for anything, but now the world was going to end because of a democratic election.

My wife did not seem too alarmed by the results. She asked me what the big deal was. I had to explain to her that since she works too much and doesn't spend time watching CNN and Twitter that the United States just elected a racist bigot that goes around sexually assaulting women.
"Don't you get it?", I said to her. "Since you weren't born in the United States, you won't last 5 minutes out in the world now. The election changes everything. Roughly 50% of our friends now hate us."

It took me a few hours, but after showing her all the posts online about attacks on minorities, she agreed to stay inside and not leave the house until the social justice warriors could change the results with their riots, I mean protests.

We were patiently waiting while our warriors protested, but we ran into a problem: we were running out of food. We would have to leave before the electors voted. My wife insisted that we go out. She had a good plan too: we would go to a Thai restaurant, and she mapped out a route that would avoid all the Mcdonalds were white America eats.

We got to the restaurant and immediately realized it was an excellent choice. Everyone in the restaurant was dark skinned; many of the people were even speaking foreign languages. I knew we would be safe here.

Half way through our meal, I heard a thunderous noise outside. I peered to the front of the restaurant, and my heart dropped. Outside was a large red Ford truck. Given that the vehicle was made in the United States it must be full of racists.

My wife asked why I looked scared, but I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to raise any attention about us. My only hope was that these racists would attack someone in the restaurant that was darker skinned than me.

Two white men walked from the truck and into the restaurant. I quickly glanced at them and saw that they were wearing muddied work boots. Their jeans were dirty, and the men looked tired. It is almost like they spent that last 12 hours doing manual labor.

The hostess must have had nerves of steel because I saw her walk in their direction. After what felt like an eternity, I quickly looked in their direction and saw the two men were now sitting down. The hostess must have bargained her freedom for a few Miller Lites.

"This is our chance," I said to my wife. "If we move quickly we can get to the door before they stand up. Once we are outside, I'll hold the door shut while you run and take the car. I'll just sprint home after."

We stood up, and both moved hastily towards the door; we didn't even bother putting on our coats. I couldn't think because people were talking and laughing; the sounds of the silverware hitting the plates echoed in my ears. We finally made it outside, and I slammed the door shut. "RUN!" I bellowed and held the door closed we all my strength. The two white men looked at me and were confused. Fear finally left me for I knew I had foiled their evil plans.

Once my wife got to the car I ran off towards our house. I took a quick break at a coffee shop to send a tweet to MSNBC to tell them about my experience.