Friday, December 30, 2016

Facing Reality




I was too scared to leave my house after the 11/8/2016 election.

CNN and the Huffington Post assured me that there was a less than a 1% chance of Donald Trump winning the election, so I was not prepared for the election results. I cursed myself for not building a bomb shelter. Normally I am ready for anything, but now the world was going to end because of a democratic election.

My wife did not seem too alarmed by the results. She asked me what the big deal was. I had to explain to her that since she works too much and doesn't spend time watching CNN and Twitter that the United States just elected a racist bigot that goes around sexually assaulting women.
"Don't you get it?", I said to her. "Since you weren't born in the United States, you won't last 5 minutes out in the world now. The election changes everything. Roughly 50% of our friends now hate us."

It took me a few hours, but after showing her all the posts online about attacks on minorities, she agreed to stay inside and not leave the house until the social justice warriors could change the results with their riots, I mean protests.

We were patiently waiting while our warriors protested, but we ran into a problem: we were running out of food. We would have to leave before the electors voted. My wife insisted that we go out. She had a good plan too: we would go to a Thai restaurant, and she mapped out a route that would avoid all the Mcdonalds were white America eats.

We got to the restaurant and immediately realized it was an excellent choice. Everyone in the restaurant was dark skinned; many of the people were even speaking foreign languages. I knew we would be safe here.

Half way through our meal, I heard a thunderous noise outside. I peered to the front of the restaurant, and my heart dropped. Outside was a large red Ford truck. Given that the vehicle was made in the United States it must be full of racists.

My wife asked why I looked scared, but I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to raise any attention about us. My only hope was that these racists would attack someone in the restaurant that was darker skinned than me.

Two white men walked from the truck and into the restaurant. I quickly glanced at them and saw that they were wearing muddied work boots. Their jeans were dirty, and the men looked tired. It is almost like they spent that last 12 hours doing manual labor.

The hostess must have had nerves of steel because I saw her walk in their direction. After what felt like an eternity, I quickly looked in their direction and saw the two men were now sitting down. The hostess must have bargained her freedom for a few Miller Lites.

"This is our chance," I said to my wife. "If we move quickly we can get to the door before they stand up. Once we are outside, I'll hold the door shut while you run and take the car. I'll just sprint home after."

We stood up, and both moved hastily towards the door; we didn't even bother putting on our coats. I couldn't think because people were talking and laughing; the sounds of the silverware hitting the plates echoed in my ears. We finally made it outside, and I slammed the door shut. "RUN!" I bellowed and held the door closed we all my strength. The two white men looked at me and were confused. Fear finally left me for I knew I had foiled their evil plans.

Once my wife got to the car I ran off towards our house. I took a quick break at a coffee shop to send a tweet to MSNBC to tell them about my experience.
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