Sunday, January 22, 2017

I wish I didn't have balls.

I wasn't able to attend the Women's March yesterday. Although it was Saturday, I had to work.

With today's technology, however, I was able to vicariously experience the event through the many feeds and hashtags that captured the essence of the movement. I saw hundreds of pictures with witty signs that explained what is wrong with America:

Cisgendered, white males are running a patriarchy and thus are ruining the country.

After work had ended, I thought about what I could do to help with this cause. Being a minority race wasn't going to be enough for me; I would do whatever is necessary to bring down the patriarchy.

My research started on the internet, and it was easy to find feminist sites to educate myself. My life was wrong is many ways: my doctor's 'scientific facts' about gender are wrong since gender is socially constructed. My male life has given me privilege, so I should be happy that I have to work on weekends to pay the bills for there are many women that can't work at all on weekends. I was absolutely astounded though to find out I was raping my wife because she likes to have a few glasses of wine before we make love, and thus she did NOT give me consent.

I needed to make a statement and signal to everyone that I mean business, so I concluded what I needed to do:

I would have to get rid of my testicles. 

The thought of cutting off my balls was abhorrent at first. But after doing more research on youtube, I deduced that the extra benefits to bringing down the patriarchy would far outweigh the loss:
  1. I could improve my voice.
    1. There used to be this practice by the castrati of cutting off pre-pubescent boys balls off so they could sing at a higher pitch. If I cut off my balls, I may have a chance of making it on America's Got Talent.
  2. My hair loss would stop
    1. Psychiatric units, at one time, removed insane people's testicles and they noticed the "patients" had their hair return.  It turns out DHT, which kills hair follicles, is carried through testosterone.  I could finally end my addiction to Rogaine which would help bring down another capitalist entity.
  3. I would have one less weakness
    1. Everyone is taught to kick a man in the balls to incapacitate him.  Now if I had no balls, I could smugly reply: "that didn't hurt, for I have no balls."  
  4. I would be known for the person that expanded the current LGBTQQIP2SAA to include 'C' for Castrated.
    1. As a self-castrated man, I would find myself in the minority and thus would demand that everyone go out of their way to attend to my feelings. I would start demanding that everyone respect me by adding 'C' to the current acronym.  I might even be able to get 'SCFM', self-castrated former man, if I am lucky. 
  5. I could make a profit
    1. After I'm declared a minority with no rights, I could easily profit. Since 'SCFM' is long enough to become a Twitter handle, Facebook page, and hashtag, I could use the channels to write long depressing posts about how evil the United States treats people like me.



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